Clash of the Awful: Why “Wrath of the Titans” is no improvement

Years ago, a childhood favorite of mine was destroyed by the remake of “Clash of the Titans” staring Sam Worthingless, who happens to be my second least favorite actor after Beyonce.  His acting is so lifelike, you’d swear he was taxidermized by Chuck Testa. His contribution to the film isn’t the worst of it, though.

The story of an underestimated demi-god fighting for honor and love became a story about a guy with daddy issues taking revenge.  The practical effects of the original were replaced with less than inspiring CGI. The changes in plot were so twisted, and the characters so benign, that the once epic tale fell flat.

So, in the second installment, the flick-makers went in the opposite direction.  Because all 6 writers of this script have no idea how to form a cohesive plot, one of them likely threw hundreds of pages into the air exclaiming, “F**K IT! Let’s just explain the plot setup and have them fight!”  And that’s exactly what happens.

Perseus is chillin’ at his crib with his new terrible haircut. He conveniently wipes the dirt off his wife’s grave so that we can assume that (A) he marries the chick from the first movie, and (B) she’s dead.  Zeus pops in like he owns the place and is like, “Son, the world’s gone to hell in a handbasket and you’re gonna have to fight.”

Perseus is all like, “No, I don’t really feel like it.”

So Zues goes, “COWBOY UP, TURD!” and disappears.

When a 2 headed monster starts burning up his peeps, Perseus springs into action. He ends up killing it while his son proves to have no ability in avoiding being a complete idiot.  Hey kid, it’s not a Ferbie, this is a fire-breathing demon from hell! Stop standing around.

The Pegasus shows up on cue, putting modern day commercial air travel to shame. Perseus climbs aboard to round up a poor man’s Elisha Cuthbert (Rosamund Pike) and some homeless guy with a SAG card (Toby Kebbell – who, by the way, gives the one redeeming performance in the film) and they are off the find another guy… who tells them to go to some other place… and then they finally get to fighting someone.  Good guys turn bad, bad guys turn good and they kill the giant magma man, who moves in a consistent slow-motion, so it shouldn’t have been that hard.

Along the way, we figure out that the whole problem revolves around 4 generations of daddy issues, as if the movie’s predecessor didn’t have enough.  The whole God family has a huge sibling rivalry that nearly ends the world. (Dear sister – If you try to resurrect a lava giant, I will spear you with a trident.) And once again, the romance is non-existent until they force it in with a single kiss between the personality deficient Perseus and the one blonde chick in all of ancient Greece.

I am unable to rate this on my standard scale, as I don’t think I could ever enjoy this movie.   If you like hate plots but love action, see Raid: Redemption this week.

Episode 2 – Vipers

Movie: Vipers

Drink: The Botched Boobie Bomb
-1oz spiced rum
-1oz triple sec
-2-3oz (or to taste) Red Bull

Drinking Game:
Drink When…
… a snake attacks
… appearance by Voit Castanza
… someone says “There’s nothing we can do.”
… Maggie runs away
… someone second guesses the plan

Episode 1 – Titanic 2

Movie: Titanic 2
 
Drink: The Sunken Sailor
-1oz Sailor Jerry Rum
-1/2oz Brandy
-splash of grenadine
-splash of bitters
-gingerale to taste
-over ice
 
Drinking Game:
Drink when…
…someone says “Titanic”
…someone says “iceberg”
…someone says “Coast Guard”
…there’s a walkie transmission